A “wicket”, I discover, doesn’t just mean the stumps, but also the dismissal of a batsman and the strip of short-cut grass in the middle of the pitch This is something I now know, but will soon forget My son gives me a quiz on what I have learnt so far “OK, Mum, name just four fielding positions.” “Um… gully, silly gully, very silly gully, gully so silly it should be institutionalised…” He recites: “Silly mid-off, silly point, mid-off, gully, cover, extra cover, leg slip, silly mid-on, point, square leg, short leg, deep square leg, third man, fly slip, first slip, second slip, third slip…” Enough, already! “…long-on, long leg, fine leg, deep point, third man, cow corner” – only ever used in New Zealand – “sweeper, long-off…”It occurs to me that cricket is like a second language: grasp it when you’re young and it’s no problem. Come to it when you are older and you’ll always have a hideous accent At lunchtime, we play a bit on the grass outside My underarm bowling is admired. Indeed, it’s so slow that if I don’t like the look of it, I can catch it up and bring it back This is quite a talent, apparently Australia declare at tea, on 551-6. Amazingly, I nearly understand what this means.Day threeAccording to those around me, “the Australians are just so superior.” Justin Langer has called the Barmy Army a “disgrace” and “at least 50kg overweight”.

The Barmy Army chant, “We’re so fat it’s unbelievable” all day England keep losing “wickets”. At lunchtime, I explain to the organisers of our particular trip that I get terrible migraines that can only be cured by shopping expeditions into town. Honestly, I’ve tried everything else but, no, the shopping is the only thing that works I buy my son some groovy Aussie shorts and sandals I would miss him if he went into care The screaming in the night is getting tiresome, though. At the end of the day England have scored 270 and “Waugh has enforced the follow-on”.

I have no idea if this is nice of him or not.Day fourAwful bloody migraine again. Buy some really cool Quiksilver pants at half the price you can get them in London, ha, ha! Model them when the boys get back to the hotel room after the day’s play. They are pathetically uninterested, even though I say shopping is rather like chess. You have to attack with your wallet but defend at the same time, otherwise how will you pay the mortgage? It’s all tactics Boys, it’s a battle of wits out there They say Vaughan was very good. He showed “backbone” and “seemed determined to occupy the crease”. I say Quiksilver pants don’t crease, which is another thing that makes them so good I decide I would quite like to have met Edward William Coon. I think he must have been a fine man with a gift for cheese.Day fiveEngland lose.