Me, I accept another glass of whisky and stretch back in a leather armchair. I have just the right attitude, too.Time to emulate the High Commissioner, fall asleep in front of the fire and dream of all the animals I didn’t kill today. Rainbow Tours (020-7226 1004 ; rainbowtours.co.uk) offers a family of two adults and one child under 12 an all-inclusive week at Ngorongoro Crater Lodge from £7,190. The price includes international flights, transfers, six nights at Ngorongoro Crater Lodge on a full-board basis with most drinks, scheduled game activities into the Ngorongoro crater, all national park fees and crater fees..
Pan-flat turquoise waters, a deserted beach of golden sand: I have just been snorkelling among shoals of kaleidoscopic fish. I could be in one of the Indian Ocean’s most exclusive island hideaways, but I’m not. The water is too clear; there isn’t any salt to wash off, and the wooden fishing boat creaking along the shore, barely floating, has sails patched with countless mismatched fabrics I am on Lake Malawi. My plan was to catch the Ilala, one of Africa’s last great tramp steamers that ferries maize, bicycles and fridges around the lake. It also has five passenger cabins for cruising, African-style, providing a link to small but outstanding lodges.
Yet when I arrived at the port at Monkey Bay, the Ilala wasn’t afloat. It had hit one of the lake’s submerged rocks and was in dry dock being welded.
So I dumped my bags and flagged down an elderly man on a bicycle taxi, who pedalled me precariously to the scatter of bars. I stopped off at a shack made of reeds for a haircut: quickly clipped with unexpected skill. And I spent a constructive afternoon mastering the rules of Bao, the fiendishly complicated bead-game that is a Malawian obsession.Twelve hours after its scheduled departure, the Ilala was pronounced seaworthy.