The main attraction is the monthly list posted by the police informing residents of what crimes have been committed in the area. If you believed the media then there should be garish reports of granny bashing, gang rapes and mass murder The reality is slightly more humdrum. Last month’s highlights include: a “youth” hanging around an allotment in a suspicious manner, a pitchfork stolen from a garden shed and, worst of all, a stray dog (come to think of it, that last one might be mine, but you get the picture).
The local police certainly get the picture. I had to go to Cirencester police station last week to produce my driving papers following the incident in which two students wrote off my car by smashing into the back of me. Memo to luxury car retailers: I am in the market for a new motor to suit my lofty status. All freebie offers to this paper please.As I waited for the desk officer to process my papers I rummaged through the available literature and stumbled upon a real gem.

It was the title that immediately drew me to it: “Defensive planting, nature’s way to beat the burglar” I read on. The leaflet confirmed what I’d already gleaned from the village noticeboard “While burglary into homes has reduced … Old dad will almost certainly be around longer than your average sink estate stud, or the 50 per cent of optimistic first-time grooms whose marriages end in divorce Just ask the Child Support Agency.. So I don’t think baby Stewart and the infant offspring of Messrs Paul McCartney, John Humphrys and Des O’Connor etc will suffer from having superannuated pops. It doesn’t surprise me that research has shown that children of older fathers tend to be brighter: you grow up with such a wealth of knowledge.

But my living archive is as nothing compared to that of one Woman’s Hour listener: “I am the last of my father’s 10 children He was 78 when I was born in 1962… His father was 70 when my father was born, resulting in a span of 148 years in two generations. My grandfather was born in 1815, before the battle of Waterloo. At a mere 42, I expect I have plenty of time left to start a family.”Does he sound like a man who feels cheated by Fate’s hand? Hardly.

Other people’s dads took them to Whipsnade Zoo; my father took us out of school to go racing at Lingfield Park and gave us 50p per race to gamble as we pleased. While other children’s parents taught them history from books, my father had lived through two world wars, fought in the last one, and then spent 20 years in Greece, the Middle East and Africa.He sported unexplained scars and kept a small handgun under the mattress He had what you could call texture, and a certain mystique Other dads seemed bland by comparison. As a cutting from the local newspaper documents, it actually took him 17 minutes to reach his runner’s-up pint. Still, not bad for a man touching 60.And look at our Rod: my goose pimples still rise when he belts out “I am sailing”. I am sure his baby will be happy to exchange a bit of youth in ol’ dad for a whole lot of legend and pizzazz. My siblings and I were happy to swap tennis and football in the park for roulette, backgammon and vingt-et-un. Generally the old dad brigade is formed from vigorous specimens of alpha manhood, whose energy, charisma and youthful appearance belie their advanced years.